In this system of things, where the whole world is in the hands of the wicked one, there are some who fight against the truth.

While such ones attempt to spiritually darken the world, Pastafarian teachings are like a light that gets constantly brighter, shining out truth.

In this manner, we are pleased to announce a new 240 page book entitled, “Scripture – Holy Inspired Truth!”

This new book goes into detail about each book of the bible and explains what each passage means. At the end of each chapter, there is a small box that shows how we can apply various points in our life today.

For example, in Chapter 4 of the SHIT! book, we learn how the Israelites sacrificed what they could in order to please the Spaghetti Monster. Thus, in the box, details are given as to how people can send monetary contributions to King Agag.

We are truly blessed by Spagmon who provides for us, this time specifically with SHIT! (Scripture – Holy Inspired Truth!)

As Han Solo says, “Don’t tell me the odds.” That must be a very popular quote for all who I shall label as ‘Jesians’ – those that believe that Jesus was actually an alien. As Richard Dawkins very clearly explains in his book, ‘The God Delusion’, the universe is very complex and the odds for it coming into existence are tiny. For someone to have created it, he, she or it would have to be more complex and hence the odds of he/she/it existing would be even smaller.

Coupled with the likelyhood that in the billions of planets in the universe another species would evolve to such a level and find humans on another far distant planet (or create them) and then reside among us is also infinitely small makes the chances of Jesus being an extra terrestrial so small it hurts the brain to think about it.

But ‘Jesians’ don’t care for the odds. Everything is possible, right? Some believe aliens created humans and the Earth and that Jesus was one of those aliens.

Some believe that Jesus came to Earth in his alien form 2000 years ago and transferred his consciousness into a fetus and put it into Mary in order to take human form. The source I took this information from actually says that these are the ‘fundamental facts about alien Jesus’. It tells of how he manipulated Judas to get him killed so he could return to his alien form.

There are some that believe we do not walk alone on this Earth at all, and Jesus is just one of many aliens that live… underground.

Jesus was your average alien with special levitating, healing and telepathic abilities who grew disillusioned by the state that humans found themselves in. He decided to go visit humans, try to teach them love and peace and put his amazing X-Men like powers on display.

Then the Jews stuck him on a stake and when no one was looking he went back underground.

What’s more, these people claim to have proof that this is the case. They say that Israel and US teams on archaelogical digs have discovered THE cross that Jesus was crucified on. (Apparently wood doesn’t rot when touched by an alien). Minute traces of blood were found on said cross and analysed.

The results were astounding! Some DNA was encoded in a triple helix (unlike human DNA with only a double helix), and a new species was discovered and called ‘Homo Superioris’!

There is only one issue that people can’t seem to agree on and that is where the cross was actually found. Some say Jerusalem, some say England. If that minor point is the only thing ‘medical experts, historians and archeologists’ don’t agree with, it must be true, right?

This subject doesn’t require much in depth criticism because any sane thinking person has already said ‘What? Are you kidding me?’ at least once while reading this article.

The majority of Africans are Christians, Muslims or Jews, but traditional (or folk) religion is practiced by roughly 15 percent of the population in some countries. Encyclopaedia Brittanica estimated that in mid 2002, there were more than 98.7 million traditional religion followers.

The ammount of tribes and groups in Africa is so large, we can not possibly cover all beliefs in one article, however more from this continent will be covered in future articles.

Creation seems to be a cornerstone of all religion, and it is no different here. The Dogon, an ethnic group found in Mali, believe in a God called Amma.

The Dogon say that at the beginning of time, Amma created the Earth and joined with it. The Earth’s clitoris, however, opposed the male penis. Amma destroyed the clitoris, circumcising his ‘wife’, and they had a child, Ogo, and twins, the Nommo.

Ogo was barren, and because of that he introduced disorder into the world by committing incest with his mother, Earth. This caused the very first menstrual period ever, as well as Yeban and Andumbulu, the spirits of the underworld.

Amma created the stars by throwing pellets of earth into space. He created the sun and moon by making two white earthenware bowls, one encircled with red copper, the other with white copper.

People who are black are believed to have been born under the sun and white people under the moon.

No, that wasn’t a joke.

Okay, let’s start at the beginning. Amma created the Earth and joined with it immediately. No explanation as to how he did this or how he came into existence. He joined… So basically he was lonely and had the opportunity to create anything to keep him company… And he made a ball of rock. This takes the phrase ‘like talking to a brick wall’ to a whole new level.

So we accept he had a certain fetish, and move on… Yes there were bound to be complications, as anyone would have while trying to bone a pebble. The Earths clitoris opposed Amma’s godlike genitalia. This contradicts everything I know about sex… Women usually enjoy it more when one finds the clitoris. But okay, it must have hurt (and could be a possible explanation to the origins of the Mariana Trench) and things just didn’t work out.

So what does Amma do? He does what any God would do… destroys the clitoris! Now somehow things are much easier and they manage to reproduce. Note they had immediately ‘joined’ after Amma created Earth… So he just had sex with himself and got himself pregnant…

One of his children then had sex with his Mother… Well there was no one else around yet… And magically this created the first menstrual blood. How Ogo managed to be born or even concieved without this process already in use is a mystery. Why the spirits of the underworld suddenly flashed into existence apparently doesn’t require an explanation to the Dogon.

So life goes on and Amma goes back to creating things. He throws earth out into space… That’s a good throwing arm, but then I’m not too surprised after what he can do in bed. Then he makes some bowls and lines them with copper, thus making the sun and moon.

As a creator and a supreme God, he was way ahead of his time in using advanced metal shaping techniques. This story is bizzare enough, but saying the Earth is the oldest object in our universe scientifically disproves it. Perhaps having no light from the sun was why finding the clitoris was so damned hard in the first place.

Black and white people were then born. Again, no explanation as to how that happened is given, but after what the Dogon children were taught already, one can’t blame them for not asking. In fact, with modern science as it is and with lack of isolation for tribes, it boggles the mind that even one person, let alone close to 600,000 Dogon, believes any of this.

We are fortunate to be in Spagmons love then, for he provides us, through his word, with true accurate knowledge and understanding.

The Prophecy of the Sheep

2. In Genesis 29:8, we read the story of Jacob and Rachel gathering sheep. “We can’t,” they replied, “until all the flocks are gathered and the stone has been rolled away from the mouth of the well. Then we will water the sheep.”

3. This scripture was fulfilled in that day when all the sheep were watered, however it has a greater fulfilment in our day. In fact, it is a prophecy foretelling the gathering of people around the Faithful and Discreet Chefs hundreds of years down the line.

4. Fossil evidence clearly shows that Jacob had two thousand and nine white sheep, eight black sheep and twenty one lambs. Each white sheep represents a year, black sheep a month and lambs a day. By this calculation we are led to the year 2009, the month of August and the 21st day.

5. Why is this date of significance? It was upon this date that the very first blog of King Agag was posted! This is a clear sign – the Spaghetti Monster guided King Agag to fulfill this prophecy, and thus clearly shows the Pastafarian Governimg Body as His channel.

Revelation

6. There are so many prophecies that show the Pastafarian Governing Body to be inspired of Spagmon, and to state them all would fill an entire library, yet alone one letter such as this. However, there is one major prophecy of great importance that we shall now briefly discuss. It is contained in the book of Revelation.

7. Revelation 3:20 we read the words of Christ: “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” What food did Jesus mean? Undoubtedly, he was referring to a bowl of delicious Macaroni and Cheese, and possibly also noodles.

8. Which group today likes Pasta? Indeed, the Pastafarian Governing Body were even named after such a holy food. We clearly see who Spagmons people are by these two simple biblical passages! May we never question them, for fear of upsetting he who installed them on Earth, the almighty Spaghetti Monster himself!

QUESTIONS
1. Who are the humblest group on earth?

2, 3. The prophecy mentions which animal?

4. What date does the prophecy lead us to?

5. Why is 21st of August 2009 of significance to us today?

6. The prophetic evidence is so abundant, if it were all written out in detail, how much space would it require?

7. To what tasty food did the Christ refer?

8. Why should we never question the Pastafarian Governing Body?

One might ask themselves how people claim to know this. For that answer we must look to the apocryphal Gospel of James, a book considered no part of the bible and unscriptural. In this book, it tells the tale of Joachim and Anna who were beyond child-bearing age and prayed constantly for God to give them a helping hand. He complied, blessing them and Mary was concieved without sin. (Sound familiar?)

Apparently, she was born on September 8th, although after extensive research, the ‘Faithful and Discreet Chefs’ have been unable to determine how they arrive at that date. It is said they “cannot be certain”, and also count 9 months from December 8th, where they celebrate the “immaculate conception of Mary”.

The lack of information and evidence doesn’t seem to phase believers. Each year, many make preparations for the special day.

Some religions believe Mary never died and was taken, in her physical form, straight to heaven. That is complicated enough, but some go a step further. They believe that Mary died, and went to heaven in spirit form. Three days later however, God saw fit to ressurect her on Earth, and then take her in a physical form to heaven. Of course, it doesn’t mention anything remotely like that in the Bible.

There are now many things to consider. The immaculate conception of Mary, and then of Jesus. It seems far more likely that Anna slept around and told a little white lie when she got pregnant (assuming of course, she existed). It went down a treat, so when her daughter found herself knocked up in a barn Anna passed on the tip to her. But people started getting suspicious, and the story had to go one more step… This time she was pregnant with the son of God!

If people don’t consider the story of Anna and Joachim as holy scripture, why do they create an entire doctrine based on it?

Most Christians believe they will go to heaven in spirit form when they die, and that form is similar to God himself. Many strive their entire lives to ensure their position in such a wonderful place. Mary, however, a woman blessed by God himself, is forced to remain in her old human body.

One would think that in his loving-kindness, God would provide food and provide for Mary’s physical needs. However, he probably doesn’t have to, for believers of this doctrine have that covered.

How do such ones celebrate this momentous occasion? Some want to spend the day as a family and bake a nice birthday cake! They decorate it with colour, each symbolising something (White is purity, blue – fidelity etc). A little statue of Mary can be placed in the middle, surrounded by candles. When each candle is blown out, the family says a ‘Hail Mary’ together.

Oh, and it’s not just any cake. It’s Angel cake.

Let us continue to apply that which we learn from Pastafarian publications, and learn to spot those who claim to follow the Bible but truly do not. May we avoid such detestable false religion!

2. These loving articles are provided by the Faithful and Discreet Chefs, Spagmons direct channel of communication with us lowly humans. They try their utmost to provide information received by Him, and help others to see how loving He is!

3. How, though, can one be sure that the Governing Body is inspired and recieves Noodly direction? One of the telling signs is the truthfulness of the words spoken and the accuracy down to every detail. While science and logic may at times appear to contradict what is found in many Pasta! articles, we can rest assured that they are indisputably accurate. Let us not forget that the entire world lies in the power of the wicked one, and he sees to it that all scientists, historians and scholars conspire against Spagmons people.

4. Another way we can determine who the ‘Faithful and Discreet Chefs’ are is to look at certain displayed qualities. The leaders of false religion wear funny robes and exalt themselves – pride being a quality that Spagmon surely dislikes.

5. Are there a group of people out there who could be considered the opposite of proud? Most certainly! The Pastafarian Governing Body and it’s president are the most loving people, reeking with humility! They never praise themselves and always work to what is good and upbuilding, constantly striving to do what is best for followers of Spagmon. They truly are pleasing to Him.

6. There are also Bible prophecies that clearly show who are Spagmon’s channel, and they will be discussed in the next letter from the Governing Body. The signs are crystal clear though – there can be no disputing the authenticity of the Pastafarian Governing Body. How grateful we must be to have found such a spiritual paradise!

QUESTIONS
1. Where can we find wholesome, entertaining articles about the Spaghetti Monster?

2. Who are Spagmons direct channel of communication with humans?

3. What must we remember regarding logic, reasoning and scientific fact?

4. What quality do leaders of false religion display?

5. a. Who are the humblest group of people on the Earth?
b. Which specific group is pleasing to the Spaghetti Monster?

6. What will be discussed in the next letter?

Note: This entry may contain certain phrases some may consider insulting or offensive.

” A guy I work with attempted to explain what the term “Limbo” means.

Okay, I hope you’re ready for this little golden nugget of information.

Basically, when you die, your soul is cast into Limbo only if you’re not baptised in the Christian Greek Orthodox faith. In Limbo, you basically do nothing and all the ghost stories we hear or read about are basically people that are stuck in Limbo.

I found a few holes in this theory. First off, I asked if any non-Greek Orthodox member had ever been resurrected. I was told that nobody had been. I found that a tad strange, seeing as a few people in the bible, including Jesus Christ had been resurrected.

Therefore, my next logical question was to ask how anyone could know this Limbo doctrine, for if no one had been brought back to life, how could they have reported what Limbo meant? After all, there’s no mention of it in the bible.

He looked puzzled at this point and gave me the answer I was expecting. After all, it is religionists finest loophole.

“Holy Spirit instructed our priests to tell us that this is the case”.

“Okay,” I replied, “what happens if you are baptised in the Greek Orthodox faith and you die?”

“Well, if you’re good, you go to heaven, but if you’re bad, you go to hell.”

“Fair enough”, I replied. “Wouldn’t it be better for a person to not be baptised in the Greek Orthodox faith?  You see, if you’re not baptised, then you can sleep around and basically do anything you want, without fear of being roasted on a spit for eternity.”

“Yes, but you’ll be in Limbo”, he replied quickly.

“But at least you won’t be done up the rear pipe by half a dozen demons”, I replied.

It was at this point that I thought it best to counter the “ghost stories” part that he spoke about.

“If you’re in Limbo, then by your definition, you do nothing. Yet you just told me about ghosts. As far as I know, ghosts get up to various chores. They’re so active in fact, that they’ve even made films about the things ghosts get up to. It sounds to me that Limbo is the place to be when you bid sianara”.

“You don’t understand because you think there is no God and because of that, you have no faith and so your brain doesn’t allow you to understand what I am telling you.”

Priceless. “

While Buddism, Confucianism and Taoism are main religions in China, some of their beliefs stem from Chinese mythology and some members of these religions could really come under the category of ‘Chinese Folk religion’. Official titles aside, it is estimated that a huge 394 million people worldwide adhere to chinese folk religion.

While not all will believe exactly the same thing, the characters of Qiye and Baye are common and predominent in chinese folk religion.

Qiye and Baye (7th and 8th Lord, respectively) were the best of chums. Together they carried out their duties of capturing criminals and sending them to the deities for judgement and sentence to hell. A full time job then.

One day, presumably while out hunting down bad guys, they noticed it was getting cloudy. “Oh no,” said Baye, “It looks like it’s going to rain!”

Qiye looked up. “Let’s go home and have some green tea, my good friend and sworn brother!”

“Don’t be silly my criminal catching amigo! I’ll just run home, grab an umbrella and I’ll be right back, I promise. Wait here.” And off Baye went, in a hurry to get the umbrella before it began to rain.

But when he got home, he’d gone so fast he had a stitch! Oh how it hurt! The pain was immense. “I’ll just rest a little bit until it subsides,” he said.

Meanwhile, Qiye waited as it started to rain. Sure it was wet, but Baye had promised he’d be back soon.

And it rained. And it rained. It rained so hard there was a flood. Patient Qiye waited and waited as the flood waters rose to his knees… his waist… his neck! “I’ll wait here. Baye did promise he’d be… Gargle gargle…”

That day poor Qiye died struggling not to drown. In his efforts he turned black in the face.

When Baye got up and looked out the window, he realised what had happened. He felt so bad that he hung himself and he too died.

Okay, I’ve been a bit creative in retelling the story, but essentially that is the main gist of the ‘Do not break one’s promise’ legend.

When one reads Aesop’s fable of the Scorpion talking to the Fox and asking for a ride on it’s back to cross the river, the thought of two animals conversing does not strike us as odd. That is because we know it is a fable, a short story to convey a certain moral, thought or principle. It is not a true retelling of actual events. As far as fables go, Qiye and Baye is a very interesting one, conveying how important it is to be true to one’s word.

But for many of the 394 million chinese folk religion believers, this is literal and for that, we really do need to ask why ‘the scorpion can talk’.

Let’s put aside their actual job titles as spiritual policemen, and focus on the actual story, taken literally.

Qiye… Is he really that stupid? If I were waiting for an umbrella, I’d try to find some shelter in the meantime. I’d get a little annoyed when I got wet and by the time the water level was even over my feet, I’d have realised something was up and gone home to see if my good buddy Baye was alright.

Now presumably his skin turned black from the struggle… What? People change ethnicity when they swim underwater?

They were ‘criminal catchers’, spiritual sheriffs. Why didn’t he call for back-up?

I know that there are many people out there with very low IQs, some of them policemen as well, but Qiye takes the cake. He should get a trophy or a medal. Except that would have weighed him down…

Like I said, many take this literally and worship these in certain rituals. Some stomp their feet at temples symbolising the crushing of the spiritual enemy at capture at the hand of Qiye and Baye. But they are dead, aren’t they? If they live on after death, why did Baye kill himself at Qiye’s demise? He could have just met up with him and apologised over a bowl of chicken chow mein.

How grateful we must be that we have found the true religion, the Pastafarians, a religion that makes absolute perfect sense and any bad thing said against it no matter how scientific or logical are just attacks of evil and persecution.

Hail Spagmon forever.

The Greek Orthodox religion has many followers. Of course, they exist solely because the Spaghetti Monster allows them to. In the future, He will put an end to all false religions. We can look forward to that day with faithful expectation.

While I understand not all people in any particular religion believe exactly the same things, I have heard several people express this belief to me and can personally vouch that people actually wholeheartedly accept the following as true:

The Greek Orthodox priests and monks who live on Greece’s Holy Mountain are very special. They are tools of God. They are the most humble men in existence, men who devote their entire lives to worshipping God. For their humility and devotion, they are blessed.

The humblest no longer need to walk on the ground. They are able to move throughout the monestaries by levitation, their feet never needing to touch the dust of the earth.

They are given special visions from God. One such vision told the story of how Satan wishes to destroy the world and all it’s inhabitants but God has installed his people, the Greeks, onto the planet. They are a pure race, a true people that Satan can not fight. Satan longs for the day when the Greeks are extinguished and he can finally rule the world!

But that will never happen. God protects the Greek people specifically for they are the only thing that can save the world from evil.

Those who are holiest are those blessed with such great gifts from God. What is the most telling sign that a man is holy? Is it that he is a peacable man devoted to loving those around him and spreading his faith? Is it that he is one almost without fault, one who tries to follow the Bible wholeheartedly?

No.

The most telling sign, according to those I have spoken to on the subject, is this: When a Holy man does not take a bath for several days or weeks, he does not stink. From their bodies, they do not smell bad but smell nice as God has blessed them with cleanliness.

Several questions are raised here that a follower of Spagmon would do well to ask oneself in order to test his faith and make sure they are indeed in the true religion.

If a man is holy, or clean, would he allow himself to go weeks without bathing? The very idea is medieval in nature and contradicts the very meaning of ‘holy’.

If God created this Earth for us, why would he bless his priests in a way they never walk on it? Surely it is created in perfection and a gift should be used?

The story of Greeks being the sole protector of the world is so absurd, it needs no further questions, but I shall pose some anyway. If God is perfect and unmatchless in power, why does he rely on a people he created to save the world from evil? If the Greeks are the ONLY thing that can save the world, if they die out can not God do anything but sit back and watch his creation fall into Satan’s hands? Ultimately, are the Greeks more powerful and important than God himself?!

People who believe this are claiming to be so humble some of them can levitate and at the same time also claim they are more important than God.

We can only try to comprehend the patience the Almighty Spagmon must possess in order to put up with such ones. May he always be blessed and praised by his followers and soon may the day arrives that he takes action to silence those who speak foolish things.

In these difficult days of opposition and persecution from the mentally insane and their imaginary god-friend, one may wonder where they can go for upbuilding, sane and logical conversation.

The Spaghetti Monster has made it clear through his governing body that he wishes no Pastafarian to be alone.

I am pleased to announce the President of the GB (myself) has begun work on an all new interpretation of the bible! Yes, a new approach to the fairy tales with new twists to show just how stupid it is!

What will this contain? Read about the time God provided Ostriches in the millions for his people and the time he got dandruff and passed it off as manna! All this and so much more!

Also, I am pleased to announce a companion magazine in the making called ‘Pasta! Announcing Spagmons Kingdom.’ This magazine will include noodly encouragement and a look into the most stupid beliefs people in the world have so we can all laugh our heads off. Readers are encouraged to email their stories!

How wonderful that the Spagmon in his magnificent glory and kindness provides such material at the proper time. Yes, what fine works are being carried out by his people in his name!

May Spagmon always be hailed and with you,

King Agag